Blackbird

Turquoise. All I see is turquoise.  It overwhelms everything. I look to my left and see turquoise. And to my right?  Turquoise. This color is so intense, I can feel it pressing on my chest. My breathing becomes labored.  Every breath feels heavy. I begin to feel lightheaded and dizzy. I start thinking, this color is going to crush me.

I need to find a way out of this color, so I start walking. The direction doesn’t matter since I can’t see anything but turquoise anyway. Another deep, labored breath. This color is going to crush me. There must be a way out of this color. I quicken my pace hoping the next step is the way out. Another step… and another. This color is going to crush me. My arms begin to feel heavy, and my hands start to tingle.  The weight of this color is crushing my heart. I need to find a way out now before I have a heart attack. My pace quickens to a slow jog. I don’t want to start running.  I don’t think my heart could take it. This color is going to crush me.  I’m starting to feel lightheaded now. I must not be getting enough air.  My breathing becomes even more labored.  Every breath feels like sucking air through a wet rag and with every breath I take, my world spins.  The dizziness is getting worse. This color is going to crush me.  

I slow my pace to a labored walk.  Jogging isn’t accomplishing anything other than making it harder to breathe.  I stop walking and look around.  There must be something other than the color turquoise.  As I turn my head from left to right, it almost feels as though my brain is lagging my head.  I start feeling floaty, dizzy, and disconnected from reality.  This is it.  I’m going to be lost in this color forever.  I feel like I’m going to faint, or maybe this is what it feels like right before you die.  I bend over with my hands on my knees. My head facing downward. This is when I realize that I’m just having a panic attack.

This happens every time I have a panic attack.  There are several terrifying moments where I feel like I’m going to die, or at the very least have a heart attack, before I realize that it’s only a panic attack.  People who don’t suffer from this affliction think it’s all “just in your head”, but I can assure you that the symptoms are very real.  I can’t help but think that one day a panic attack actually will give me a heart attack.  But now that I am able to convince myself that I’m not dying, I can calm down.  It always takes a few minutes before the symptoms subside and sometimes the tingling in my hands can remain for days.   The doctor says this is normal and one of the side effects of anxiety.  I still have a difficult time believing that and think there is something wrong with me, which creates more anxiety and more panic attacks.  It’s a vicious cycle. 

Now that I’m calmed down a bit, I can examine the environment I find myself in.  The color isn’t as terrifying as I initially thought.  In fact, it’s beautiful.  As my eyes begin to adjust, I realize the color turquoise isn’t everywhere.  Rather, it’s simply the hue of the clouds illuminated by a giant moon.  The clouds are very thin, almost transparent, and circling the moon in an outwardly growing, radial pattern.  A meadow spreads out in all directions, tall grasses swaying back and forth softly in the breeze as if slow dancing to a sappy 80’s ballad.  In the distance I can see a lone tree atop a small hill.  Since this is the only distinctive feature in this landscape, other than the moon, I begin walking towards the tree.

If you’ve ever walked through a grassy meadow, it’s not as peaceful as they make it look in the movies.  Sharp blades of grass scratch your legs.  It’s always itchy.  Unlevel ground, hidden below the tall grass, makes every step treacherous.  Plant your foot in the wrong spot and you have a twisted ankle.  Grasshoppers, gnats, mosquitoes, and other annoying insects constantly buzz around your head, crawl through your hair, and take tiny bites out of your skin for lunch.  My arms are getting tired from constantly swatting at bothersome insects.   And the entire time, a bird follows me, always hiding in my peripheral vision.  When I turn my head to catch a glimpse, it flies away just far enough to stay at the edge of my sight. 

I don’t know how long I’ve been walking through this meadow.  Time seems to work differently in my dreams.  Sometimes it feels as though hours pass by in seconds while other times an instant will play out so slowly, I feel it will never end.  But finally, the tree I’ve been chasing is within reach.  I’m so drawn to this tree that I don’t even realize that I have quickened my pace to a slow jog.  And then suddenly, almost instantaneously, I’m standing below the tree.

The tree trunk is twisted, and the branches form a canopy over me.  I feel comfortable and at peace standing in the shade of this tree.  Can there be shade without sun?  The stalking bird flies from my peripheral into the light of the moon where I can finally see it, and I wake up. 

This dream started with a fear of dying and ended with a feeling of total contentment.  It seems to have plenty of meaning hidden throughout.  The obvious narrative simply being the stages of an anxiety attack that begin with shear panic and end with a feeling of relief, once you can convince yourself that you aren’t going to die.  But what is the bird?  And why was I so drawn to the tree?